Question of the Week

Q OF THE WEEK:

Bossy Bella

So here's my concern. It may be stress-related, as I have noticed it more since we left Spokane and did our motel-thing, but it seems to be increasing rather than decreasing.

I notice the behavior whenever she is on my/our big bed. When I approach the bed she growls, low and menacing. It doesn't matter if she has a chewie, a toy or nothing at all with her... same response. Tail is going, but the eyes say "caution"... those vulture eyes where she looks out the top 1/3 of her eyeball... I'm sure you know the look. Human teenagers do it, too. If I approach her, it gets louder and lips raise. I can squeak a toy and "break" the cycle. I can go ahead and snuggle her (though who'd want to, at that point) and she won't snap, but she gets very threatening, almost doggy-yelling with her grrrowllll and it doesn't feel right for her to be able to show me her teeth. It doesn't make it real reassuring to want to crawl into bed at night with her, either! Two fingers across the nose doesn't faze her, neither does a scruffle-shake or growling louder or meaner at her. Any ideas? I know it has been a huge change for both of us, but stress or no stress, I am still Alphadog. (yeah, right... Alphadog) I don't want to be rough or mean with her because it hurts my heart and doesn't do any good anyway. If she is upset, I want her to trust me, not fear me. Tell me what you think and I will try any and all suggestions and report back.

FIRST IN FROM CATHY:
I happen to know this woman and this dog. They are quite the pair. Here goes......

First off, yeah, I suppose Bella's behavior could be due to stress to some extent. That was a mighty long trip across the country and now living in a new home -- it may be a good change, but can still be considered stressful. Bella also may be "testing" her "new waters" -- push push push -- "what are the boundaries around here?", or "lets see how far I can get with this".

Bella is a bossy chocolate lab, whose mother thinks she is the absolute most adorable thing on the planet and tells Bella that on a pretty regular basis. Bella is her whole life. The behavior modification exercises I would recommend are going to be harder on her (I don't even remember her name! Eeek), than they would ever be on Bella.

I would recommend an immediate halt to everything she is doing to Bella and for Bella. Bella Bella Bella. Actually, it's Bella Joy. This girl needs to be put on an immediate diet of NILIF, with a heavy dose of "EARN my attention sweetheart!" Bella Joy needs a bed-- on the floor, and to be made to stay off the furniture, especially the bed. She may need to have her on a dragging line for awhile, depending on how compliant Bella Joy is being. I would cease the physical reprimanding of popping her across the nose, or scruff shake. Treating an aggressive problem with your own version of aggression is doing nothing but asking for trouble, both immediately and down the road. I also think that pushing the envelope to see how far Bella will go this time, is an unwise choice as well. How many times do we hear each other say that we absolutely do not want our dogs practicing the very behavior we are trying to get rid of.

I think it's wonderful that she is noticing Bella's voice, her body language and her eyes. Very commendable indeed. Let Bella start earning her keep -- food, her toys and playtime, and her mom's attention -- including pets. As tough as this is going to be on mom, the difference in the quality of the relationship she has with Bella Joy will skyrocket.

AND KIM!
Good one! Yes, moving to a new place is stressful. In fact I think it is in the top ten stressers in life. And it may also be an opportunity for a bossy dog to try to control the new environment.

NILF, NILF, NILF........NOTHING in life is FREE!!! Okay, I know I am a huge fan of this program.....

"Two fingers across the nose doesn't faze her, neither does a scruffle-shake or growling louder or meaner at her......I am still Alphadog"

Is she still "alpha"? Was she truly ever? Does not sound like the dog views her as alpha. Dog sleeps on the bed, and ALLOWS human to join her to cuddle after she has proven she owns the bed. Human proves she is a wannabee with all the physical contact.

Time for a change in leadership in this house. No more doggie on the bed! Bella must earn the PRIVILEGE of sleeping on the bed by working for it & behaving.

Start, not in the bedroom but with the food bowl. hand feed all meals and make the dog work for every kibble. Take ownership of all of the toys and initiate and end play on the humans terms. The dog must work for every pet, every morsel of food, every game of ball.....EVERYTHING. The dog must look to the owner as God and as such know that good things will come when she does what is asked.

And if she cops the attitude, keep the mindset of "EXCUSE ME! this is MY bed in MY house. Get your @#$ off that bed NOW!" But don't growl at the dog, scruff shake or muzzle wrap....it will only undo the work she has done to establish herself as leader of her household and may actually escalate the problems. - Kim

AND LISA!
Bella is guarding the bed. Kate is seeing whites of her eyes, because Bella is looking up at her from a classic resource guarding position. Kate breaks the cycles with a sweet little squeaky toy and then cuddles with Bella...it is all on Bella's terms.

Bella and Kate need to restructure their relationship and they need to do it now. The best response when Bella growled on the bed the VERY FIRST TIME would have been to physically knock her off so fast she didn't know what hit her. Too late for that now.

Kate doesn't want to be "mean" to Bella????? What about the fact that Bella is being mean to her? Kate is also ascribing human-perspective causes to the behavior. "Stress" " a new situation" ...it is classic RG and the underlying motivator is pack status. ..

Great job, guys!!
Here's my 1st email answer - her replies and updates to follow:

The good news here is that Kate used to be a teacher. A teacher of hormonal adolescents AND she understands psychology. So she can comprehend what is needed, even though she is smitten by her little darling. *S*

Hi Kate!
OH that bossy girl! It is very concerning when princesses such as herself decide that they "own" something - especially YOUR bed. (There is no my/our when it comes to bossy dogs and beds.)

In essence, that whale eyed freeze means "I own this spot - go find your own ... somewhere else." The tail wag is probably a little conflict over whether this is going to go over well. A little mixed message there. "Love ya mom, but get the hell away from my bed."

Your gut is right - gruffer and meaner or all manner of physical dominance isn't the answer. Real pack leaders don't get in pushing or shoving matches which could escalate to "fights" with their dogs. Leave a trailing lead on her so you can pick it up and propel her onto the floor if needed, but beyond that, you need to own the space and her access to it.

This is a leadership issue, perhaps brought on by being uprooted and establishing new roots, but nonetheless, this is YOUR bed, your house, your shop and she doesn't get to decide who comes and goes in either (yes, Bella Joy - that's shop-DOG-ess ...*S*). It could escalate to other places, SO no BellaJoy on the bed or couch for awhile til she recovers her senses. If necessary, leash her on her own bed or crate her so she doesn't climb up onto yours in the night or close the bedroom door to keep her out.

I'd be adamant for a few weeks that only you own the privilege of any and all comfy resting places and her poor choice or four letter words directed at mom just relegated her to the floor where lowly dogs live. At the end of a few weeks time, she will probably have given up trying to beat you to the bed or couch and accept her role as "dog" - and defer to your highness's right to own such places. ONLY THEN should you invite her peon-self up for *brief* snuggles when your highness dains to do so - by invitation and permission only and keep it brief. I'd make it a standard rule that she waits to be officially invited so this doesn't re-occur in the future. She must ALWAYS get off quickly and respectfully without argument when you signal her that her time is over and she needs to be back on the floor. Any glimmers of bossiness loses her this honored privilege instantly.

I see your face - I know you are making the "oh poor Bella" face. She will, too! If she thinks you feel bad, she will also think it's ok to refuse your new rule. No apologies. If a teenaged boy threatened his parent with a knife (her teeth) when told he couldn't watch TV, would the parent apologize for grounding his butt from having that privilege? No. Would they get in a fist fight over it? No. They might yank the power cord out so there was nothing to argue about maybe ... *S*

Be strong. Be matter of fact. Be quietly in control. Don't let her get up there in the first place. Lay folding chairs on the bed and couch so there are no arguments to be had. Keep me posted!!

OK, Auntie Carol, BossyBellaBootCamp starts at this moment! In fact, she's onto us already... she's so smart and so perceptive, she felt the energy shift as I was reading your answer and she's looking at me with that impossibly innocent guilt-look. She is sooooooo busted and she knows my quiet determination.

I promise to wipe that momentary "Oh, Poor Bella" look off my face immediately and access my 13-year 6th-grade teacher badass self. The gig is up. No excuse management. I want a companion, not a boss. MY bed! GOOD AlphaMom! We're gonna make you proud.

Love and gratitude from the AlphaBitchinTraining (Bella's not so sure!) I'll report as we progress.

Well, the bed thing appears to be solved. The bed is no longer "charged" with antagonistic energy. In fact, it feels totally different: a little higher off the ground, perhaps, and by invitation only. The bed is now a privilege rather than a birthright. Any hint of a grrrrrly grrrl and she is down on the floor beside the bed. It took two nights. I was much more miserable than she was. (Must be what my grampa meant when he said "This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you..." he did only have to discipline me once!) She seems gracious, snuggly and a bit hesitant, as if it could all dissolve in a poof, which it just might... and has! We'll stay consistent and keep on it. She gets really humble whenever the drag-line is hooked on her collar... she's no fool.

There is still some grrrrrly grrrl on her space, whenever she has a toy or a treat. When this happens, I have been "propelling" her off the space and onto a bare section of the floor where she is in timeout until I say so. After a period of being ignored, she has to give and take the toy or chewie a couple of times, without grrrlllling, before she can go back to her space. (Is that an "out of line" expectation on my part?) The behavior has significantly decreased, but still occurs, especially in the evening when she is tired. Hardly any of these behaviors happen during the daytime. I would be open to hear any more 'mind games' you might have... the shrink in me finds it all fascinating. I don't like the "broken spirit" look on her face, but remind myself that it is just a LOOK and that she is brilliant enough to realize that and work it to her advantage, mensa girl that she is!

Here's our HUGE accomplishment. After all our behavior/leash skills brush-up lately, we walked to town (3 miles, round trip) for the first time today, to the farmer's market, and bought our fresh veggies for the week! She was a PERFECT social girl... sitting, downing, staying at my side on a loose leash, and gentling her spirit with the babies who were drawn to her like flies. People's hearts are blessed by her... I am so grateful for her "ministry of magic". We walked the sidewalks among the tourists and she did perfect at "sit, leave it" to let people walk by without giving "nose". I was so confident in her new behaviors ( even with the recent glitches, she's somehow sensitive to when she really needs to behave, and rises to the occasion) that we ventured into the Bone-a-Fide Bakery, got a drink from the community bowl, looked at doggie products and even bought a handbaked cookie and a chewie. She "greeted" other customers (with a down rather than a sit... by her choice... interesting) and even lay down on the cool linoleum to eat her chewie (no grrrly grrl) while I chatted with customers and the owner. All around town, she made people smile in their eyes and their hearts... she's doing her "job"... and got lots of hellos and compliments. This is why we train, and I'm really proud of her. She's come a long way and will be a great shop dog/canine citizen. I know the secret is to practice, practice, practice IN the situations and environments ("the only way out is through...?") until they become normal routine. We are still looking for obedience groups or other ways to socialize with beasts and their people... "Bed and Biscuit" dayspa seems to be our best bet. Bella's smart and eager and loving, but without practice, it never gets to manifest in it's highest form... and that's what we want... for all of us!

Thanks for the great notes and ideas. We love to read your warped commentary... so much like the way WE think and write... and most of all, to have things to practice, practice practice! (toothy, gummy, doggy smile!) ~ Kate and BellaJoy

The "broken spirit" look is normal doggy "calming signals" for "I get it - you da boss mom!" defer defer. The good news is it will blossom into smiles when she feels the security of knowing who's really the queen and has the total security of knowing that no one is out to steal her precious stuff, so there's no need to be power tripping about it. There is always more, long as she pays her dues to your highness and truly appreciates the goddess that you are. When she truly "gets it" she will smile up at you when you pass and thump her tail "thanks, mom" instead of hovering and grimacing and hoarding. That is when you'll know that she understands how life works.

Remember from her point of view there is a power struggle over this ownership, leadership thing. Your point is not to lower yourself to the struggle, but rise above it. My house, my rules, you dog, me queen, get over yourself. *S*

A plan for diffusing her resource guarding issue: when she has something of value, have something better to exchange for it. At first, show it to her before you come within her trouble zone: "look what I have!" and then ask her for her current toy or chewie. Trade for the better one, walk away and after a couple beats, return and give her back the first one. Giving it up got her more not less - giving it up got her both items. The goal is to approach without triggering worry or resentment. Soon you'll be able to get the same response even if you are hiding what you have to trade, and soon she'll willingly *offer* you what she has even when you have nothing to trade AND when you need to take something that she'd really like to keep.

In dog trainer lingo this mindshift is called "Nothing In Life Is Free" - work to earn, accountability and appreciation for the attention, goodies, games and activities mom has to offer. Mom owns everything and if I'm good, I'll get some. It's all just good parenting.

Keep me posted! It is MY reinforcement for doing what I do when you succeed!
-ABCarol

I wish you had been here with us last night when Bella finally figured out that she could give "it" away for a treat and then get "it" back again! I literally saw the Light dawn on her little chocolate face and I swear she grinned! She got all jumpy and excited and she ran over to her space to get the bigbigbone. When I indicated "YES!" she picked it up in her mouth and brought it halfway over to me and dropped it on the floor. Testing. I laughed out loud because I could read her sneakly little adolescent mind, and I said "no WAY, bring it to me!". She yipped and leaped and ran back, picked it up and THREW it in my lap!!! Ha! I forked over a huge YES and the treat, and then all of a sudden, she brought me every toy on her space, one after the other and THREW them at my lap! She's got the idea! Now I have to learn to duck! Heehee. She's repeated the "trick" all day today, and now responds to 1. seeing the goodie and 2. the words "give ME something". We've gone from a guided missle delivery, to a deliberate plop, back up and smile! Woohoo, woohoo! Still haven't found anything "better" than a chewie, and we're still working on growlies when she is sleeping/resting. Progress, progress. We love a project and will keep you informed as we work our way through.

Today was our second day walking to town and practicing our crowd manners. Being a city puppy, she hasn't had much experience with "standing/moving water". We have been working on not barking at/being afraid of the creek (paws actually went in the creek, yesterday) and today she discovered deep puddles (from this morning's downpour) in an old parking lot! Such leaping and gallivanting... there may be a Lab in there after all! All grins, and of course, if Mom is laughing, that only increases her goofiness. Even so, she followed all the "road rules" of public appearance. One man, who was sitting behind the bushes on his front porch as we were practicing our "down/stay", even stood up and applauded! (and you know from class, how much she loves public acknowledgement.)Wheeeeee! This town may not know ME, but they certainly are talking about the lady with the beautifully behaved Chocolate Lab! She is doing her job!

More later... we just wanted to share a little success and Joy(dog!) ~Miss Kate and Miss BellaJoy

OH she is a mensa girl ... that's awesome! Now that she understands the theory of trading, be very sure who's really training whom! I'd take this newfound skill and put it on total stimulus control - on cue - right away - or this could turn into yet another way that Ms. Bella controls her universe. *S*

On-cue directed retrieves only. Meaning no rewards are to be had for beaning you on the head and demanding a treat, but only when you direct her to a specific item and she returns and sits before you take it from her. Set out an item and make her stay until sent. Set out two and send her to get the indicated one (no treats for bringing the wrong one.) Put her to work, finding the remote, your car keys, crawling under the table to reach that pen you dropped. Be specific about how you'd like items delivered. Perhaps one day the shop-dog-ess can help carry packages to people's cars for them!

The primary goal of the trade exercise is to teach her to allow you to approach and remove something that she'd rather keep or stroke her while she's resting or chewing something. So focus on making trades for things while she remains on her bed. A tip for something "better than a chewy": have 3 or 4 chewies. Give her one and doctor the rest with a smear of peanut butter or cream cheese and set them aside out of reach for later when you notice her enjoying the first one. When she's on her bed chewing, walk over, have her give up the one she has and then present her with a doctored one. Later when she's sucked the good stuff off that one, return to take it and present her with a better one. Require that she remain on her bed and wait - and not come shoving the old one at you demanding a "better" one. (Bossy mensa derailed.) Add a stroke or an ear scratch to the pattern of approach, remove, replace.

These are compliance games. You might get to the point where you can walk over, ask her to move over and give you room and plunk down on her bed now and then. Give her that ear scratch or hug and then hold a chewy while she chews it. The chewy leaves when you leave and you keep control of it during the "I'm visiting you" moment. You didn't give it to her, you were sharing it cuz you decided it was time.

It is so wonderful that you get to walk the town and show off her marvelous skills and get applause to boot! Keep up the good work! -Carol

Gracias
Thanks for the heads-up... you've got little Miss Mensa Manipulator pegged! Motherhood can be such a "wool over the eyes" - it helps to have somebody with a bit of perspective. Gotta remember I'm ABIT... emphasis on the "T". I bow at your feet and offer you MY chewie. heehee.

~Kate, ABIT, OORB
(Original Owner of the Reclaimed Bed)

Guess what? We found the Pet Supermarket on the way to Asheville! Bella chose a new red (honestly, Bella, red? such a tomboy) Gentle Leader to replace her icky old Halti. You were right, they are totally different worlds... wish I'd listened earlier to your Voice of Wisdom, but oh, well... who's this headstrong labradorial's role model here? Miss Bella wore her fiery red accoutrement on July 4th and slept through all of the fireworks (with a little help from James Taylor on the stereo and a room fan set on "high") without a flinch. I am amazed at her response to the Gentle Leader. She does not paw and poke at it, like she did the Halti, instead she lays down on my feet and sleeps! When we have company, she wears it and becomes Little Miss Manners, charming the pants off of whoever is here. She will bring it to me when I ask her to, for a walk, and there is little to no pulling on the leash, even when excited. I have to admit... there's something really true about that design and its calming effect on exhuberant (sp?) beasties. It reminds me of when I would give my A.D.D. students coffee and watch them take a deep sigh....

She seems to have taken a maturational growth spurt and is in a mellow phase, right now. Perhaps comfortable at last with her new surroundings? I am working, temporarily, as a transplant potter in a nursery at the Farmer's Market until Mountain Spirit Gifts opens in a few weeks. (We probably should have named the shop "Bella's") The ritualistic going and comings of my work schedule seems to soothe her, too. And dont ya know that just as it all gets good, the shop will open and there will be a whole new layer of the onion to peel! New surroundings, new situations and lots of new people to meet! We have been discussing the perils of "tank-girl takeout" greetings... especially with the unsuspecting newcomer! Get ready for some emails, 'cause the Alpo may hit the fan! We shall see. In the meantime, God Bless the Gentle Leader! Woohoo, woohoo!

ps: investigated the Bed and Biscuit Kennel/Doggie Day Spa just up the road. Positive reinforcement (but no dog classes, alas!) and 3 levels of accommodation, including sling beds, radio, and (in the upper eschelon) 24-hour Animal Planet on cable tv! What a hoot. There is also a wooded, fenced "paddock" for playing alone, or with a carefully matched playmate from among the boarders. Sparkling clean and loving, attentive staff. The owner donates her time to the Women's Prison, matching women with rescued dogs for obedience/rehabilitation classes. There were 3 rescued dogs living at the Kennel and waiting for their next homes: a glorious female Shepherd, a doe-eyed, shy female Dobie and a regal male brindle Greyhound. .. oh my... such a sucker for those skinny boys! If it wouldn't have gotten me kicked out of my cottage, Bella woulda' had a buddy. On second thought, little Miss Mensa is my chosen handful... why meddle with perfection? heehee